It's Like Sputnik

It has been a long standing joke in my family that I have the biggest head out of everyone.  Everyone includes my siblings and their spouses.  The FACTS are ignored year after stinkin' year and jokes will always be made about the size of my gargantuan cranium.   

My head is, in fact, NOT THE BIGGEST HEAD in our family.  We took the time to measure and there were other noggins far greater in circumference than mine.  But I'll be the butt of the joke.  That's fine.  I'll keep laughing at the "down in front" jokes, the So I Married an Ax Murderer references.  I can handle it.  Even though I know (and you know) it isn't the truth.  I can cry myself to sleep on my huge pillow; I can manage my own weather system.  That's fine.

Only thing I'm not loving right now is I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner with my kids.  Out of the blue Mister says, "Mom's head is really big and Dad's is medium."  I looked at my husband who nearly wet himself and gave him the "are you kidding me" look?  What happened there?  Did he pay the child?  Is he whispering these things in his ear while he sleeps.  

Then the child continued.  He put his fork down and used his hands to describe the difference in size.  "Mom's head is like this..." and his hands grew into a gigantic balloon type deal.  Then he said, "But Dad's head is more like..." and his hand grew outward an inch, maybe two.  

My husband, now nearly choking, said, "Honestly, this is good material.  Admit it, the kid is GOOD."  

I replied, "Oh yes, he's a real wise guy."  But what I wanted to say was "Puhlease, the kid doesn't know his ass from his elbow."  


Four Year Old Funny

  Four year old boys think farts are the most hilarious of all things.  Anything that sounds remotely like a fart -the kid is hysterically laughing.  Heinz 57 never had a chance.  Flip flops on a rainy day? Stop It. 

Thankfully I've at least taught my four year old to excuse himself after farting.  The three year old boy just follows suit and laughs then says "I got toooots."  The rest of my life is going to be filled with fart humor; I have come to accept it.  

This morning a true gem fell into Mister's lap.  He and I were sitting in the living room on my mother's rocking chair.  I was drinking coffee and looking at 4th of July happenings on the iPad.  He was talking my ear off about bunny poop as he watched a bunny in the front yard.  Unfortunately, I farted.  I excused myself and he gave me the big eyed "eww gross Mom farted" look, while trying not to smile.  

Then he looked down toward the seat, near my tush.  Oddly, a black craft poof ball was sitting beside my hip.  He lost it.  Hysterical laughter ensued.  I said, "What's so funny?"  He held up the black poof ball.  I said, "Yes?"  He said, "It musta come out your fart!"