Live Forward

Friday night I thought I was 22 again. My friend, Jessica, and I hit downtown Naperville ready to get drunk. We had a mission. We planned to cab it home. We went to Bar Louie, had two drinks and some very dry chicken satay. Then we went to The Two Nine and continued to drink gin-n-tonics until we were drunk. She throwing up in the bathroom drunk, and me dishing out love advice while chain smoking cigarettes drunk. Chain smoking at a bar in Illinois, you question? Rear patio, I respond.

It is fun. In the moment, I was having fun. Showered, hair styled, full makeup on, delicious drinks, girl talk - the stuff of my youth. The things I was good at: drinking, smoking. Check and check.

The next day at promptly 7:30 I woke. While my daughter was with my mom, I had no reason to wake - other than the internal mom clock. I was sick. Puke. Shower. Aleve. Toast. Water - sleep. At 9:45 I felt substantially better. I left Jessica's place thinking about the challenge of child care with a hangover, disappointed that I'd not make it to workout because of my raging headache, and irritated with myself for acting like an asshole in public. Bumping into walls, tripping on my own feet, slurring my words incessantly.

The thing is I am not 22. I am pushing 32 by weeks - and while I DO LIKE TO DRINK - there is no solid reason to re-live my past. I like my life now. I am happy as a nearly 32 year old stay at home mom. I enjoy eating healthfully, exercise, and having the occasional bottle of wine. Those things are all good.

I think for so long the idea of "girls night" or "girls weekend" has included over-the-limit intoxication that the two are one. The truth is, I'd much rather go to dinner and have a glass of wine or two, and a weekend retreat to a Pilates clinic would kick last Friday nights ass. As I was throwing up the other morning, head literally in the toilet, I was thinking to myself, "Who is this person?"

She was a girl who wanted what I have now: home, husband, daughter. And I am not a woman who wants what she did then. I just need to accept that past and live forward.

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