Inbetween Moments

There are moments in motherhood.  Moments when joy overwhelms or fear paralyzes.  There are moments in between those peaks that I hope to remember.  I hope to remember the way my three year old hugs me as tight as he can with his huge muscles, or squeezes my face to make a smooched mouth, and how he tells me he "wuv's" me.  I hope to remember lying in bed with my six year old talking about her day or my day or where we want to go together when we grow up.  I try to memorize the moments rocking, snuggling, giggling with my infant; and how  he pumps his arms as only he does.  His laugh is infectious and he tickles easy.  Small moments in between the big, first preschool shows and long hospital stays.

Today was a day I long to remember.  It hasn’t gone well.  Though, I am smart enough and have been overwhelmed and paralyzed enough to know, that this bad day actually pales in comparison to the real thing.

We started out pretty good.  Made the bus on time, boys watched Toy Story and I got an article written.  Lunch went well, naps, bus pick up, lifted weights, showered, and played outside.  About 3 o’clock we came in after an outdoor snack time.  Mister spun himself into the curtains.  I asked him to get out of the curtains and unspun him.  He punched my leg and was promptly put in his room because hitting mommy is on the zero tolerance list.  While in time out he peed his pants; which is becoming such a frequent occurrence that I’m considering time outs in the bathroom. We worked through it, he and I alone in his room.  I was so focused on his tantrum and his feeling upset for having peed his pants that I forgot about the others.  We talked while he undressed and then we decided to wash off in the tub.  I filled the tub and he began to smile after the time out and frustration.  My heart breaks for him sometimes.  I think he is so big for such a small guy, and he just wants things his way. 

I left him in the bathroom to tend to the wet clothes.  When I stepped out of the bathroom I heard the sound a glass makes when it clinks “cheers!”  I said, “What is that?”  I rushed down the stairs as Goose called from the living room, “I don’t know, Mom.”  I quickly arrived in the kitchen to find the 19 month old on the counter.  He had climbed up the step stool in the corner, by the knives.  He sat on the counter and happily clinked eight inch bread knife into a glass butter dish.  Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Then I saw the actual mess.  He had picked the coffee pot up, held it out passed the counter and dropped it.  Coffee flooded the floor; glass sparkled in the wet, shining puddles.  Had he held the knife wrong, his hand would have been bleeding.  Had he crawled down the step stool he’d surely have slipped in the coffee and cut himself on the broken glass scattered across the stool and floor.   Heart racing, I grabbed him and scanned him for any blood.  Zero.  The knives!  The glass!  Not a scratch.

When days like this come - the tantrums, the peed pants, the hurt feelings, infants climbing counters, breaking coffee pots, playing with knives – I feel defeated.  I am frustrated by the unexpected glitch and sure tears will come, but they don’t.  They stay put, waiting for real cause.  Today wasn’t a moment of sheer joy or incredible fear – it was just a moment in the life of a mother of three who hopes that these memories will last.  This time, in our lives, is going too fast.

Mister's Apple

When he was two Mister and I shared an apple in the car.  I had a few bites and then said, "Here you go, buddy, you can finish it."  When we arrived at our destination I opened his door and said, "Can I have the rest of the apple?"  He said, "No."  I said, "I just want to throw it away."  He said, "No, me ate it."  There was no apple to be found, not even a seed.  He ate every last bit.

Yesterday afternoon he ate an apple for snack.  He asked me to cut it.  I peeled and cut the apple.  Then I gave him a spoonful of Biscoff spread.  He ate all of the pieces of the apple and licked the Biscoff off the plate; his face was covered in spread from forehead to chin.  When he was done I said, "You must like the apple better without the peel."  He said, "The what?"  I showed him the peel.  I said, "The outside of the apple, its called the peel."  He said, "No, me like it."  I said, "Yesterday when I cut you an apple without taking the peel off, you barely ate it."  He said, "Oh. Sorry Mom."

Today at lunch time he told me he wanted another apple, with spread, and yogurt.  I said, "OK. I will peel it."  He said, "No, I will do it with my suter sharp teef."  Of course he has super sharp teeth, why hadn't I thought of that?  He went to the fridge and got an apple.  He removed the sticker and stuck it to the side of the kitchen table.  He moved his step stool to the sink, rinsed the apple, and then took a seat at the table.  I put yogurt in his bowl as he worked at his apple.  He removed and ate all of the peel with his super sharp teeth.  Then he said, "OK, mom.  You cut it now?" 

 

 

Procrastination

I was talking with my friend about the things we have had on our to-do list for too long.  Some of the things are simple tasks: pick up dry cleaning, wash comforters.  Others, though, are not crossed off of the list because of fear: get second opinion for Roscoe's tumors. 

We got Roscoe nine years ago as, what I kindly refer to as, the pre-proposal agreement.  Not ready to get married, but kind of ready to commit to a dog, by husband shelled out the cash for a Redbone Coonhound and we had him flown in from Mobile, Alabama.  For nine years, he has been a great companion and family dog.  Often, with three young kids, overlooked he is still a precious part of our family.  With each of our three babies we sent home a blanket from the hospital for Roscoe to get acquainted with before actually bringing in the baby.  When we brought them all home, he had a few minutes to get a good smell of them and then that was it - he was fine with each of the children. 

For the most part everyone gets along well.  He is still as loud and protective of all of us as ever.  When my husband is late, Roscoe is on duty.  He won't relax until everyone is home.  Unless its after 8 pm, in which case he will find his bed and quietly say good night; but any suspicious noise will send him from a state of sound sleep to a frightening bark that still makes my heart skip a beat.  But at nine, he is still playful and a good running companion.

A few years ago when the vet found a fatty tumor I wasn't too worried about it.  Over the course of the past few months, one of the fatty tumors has grown to what looks like the size of a grapefruit.  So when I wrote "get 2nd opinion for Roscoe" on my to-do list, my heart was as heavy as a brick.  When I actually got the second opinion, my stomach sank and hasn't bounced back just yet. 

We are scheduled to have the tumors removed on Tuesday, October 16th.  Once they are removed they will be biopsied.  The new vet said, "I can't tell you if this dog has 3-4 good years, or six months" and I have heard that sentence every day for the past five.  Six months.  Six months is nothing.  Six months is a blip.  Three to four years is pretty short at this point - I mean, didn't we just get this dog?  Isn't he the one who makes girlfriends out of every over sized pillow he can get his paws on? 

It just cannot be cancer.  I cannot imagine that.  Or I don't want to.  It just takes from us.  And I don't want it to take him.  I know he isn't a human, I know he is just my dog.  But he is an awesome dog- he is gorgeous and so sweet. 

Sometimes procrastination is just putting off simple tasks.  But sometimes its a defense mechanism, because facing some of life's choices, some of life's realities sucks.  Plain and simple.

Surrounded by cuteness

My five year old has those working ears.  Those ears that might be playing a game on the iPad, but are also listening to conversation at the kitchen table about the NATO Summit.  Her ears can discern the sense of worry in her grandmother's voice so much so that when I put her to bed we have this conversation:
Goose: Mom, when is it coming?
Mom: When is what coming?
Goose: The tornado that Grandma is worried about?
Mom: It isn't a tornado. Its called NATO.
Goose: It sounds like bad weather to me.
Mom: No, its a meeting of the Presidents of the world.  It has nothing to do with strong wind.
Goose: Thank goodness! 

The cuteness followed me to the grocery store yesterday for a moment.  My two year old son, Mister, strutted his stuff carrying his sister's purse over his shoulder, elbow pointed to the sky to keep it up with the other hand on his hip the entire walk through the parking lot.  Unfortunately, his cuteness quickly turned to crank when he realized we were grocery shopping. His least favorite chore.  If he were in charge at the store, we'd all run around at top speed stopping momentarily only to buy "tweets".  I've made it a habit to bribe my children at Mejier.  If they behave, I buy them candy.  Its a terrible habit, I know.  Though, it is the least of my worries at the grocery store with three kids. 

The littlest bambino in my house is a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e.  He smiles, he flirts with his little blue eyes, he cuddles and claws.  He nuzzles into my shoulder and smears snot from the edge of my sleeve to my neck.  He is, right now, a mama's boy.  He seems attached to my hip at all waking moments.  I believe its another one of those "bad habits" I've fostered, like buying them candy.  I sleep with him still.  GASP!  No, not that.  He's nine months old!  I sleep with him because he shares a room with his older brother and I don't want the whole house to wake up.  I sleep with him because I am not going to have another baby to sleep with and it feels good to snuggle a baby.  I sleep with him because I'm too lazy at 1 a.m. to rock him back to sleep, so I swoop him up into my arms and he nuzzles into my shoulder and I fall in love a little bit more and then we sleep very well for several hours.

Sometimes I beat myself up about the baby's sleep.  I think, "I'll get him in his crib all night! I'll solve this problem."  The truth is, I don't really think its that bad of a problem to have.  Maybe I'm not sleeping great - but I'm not going to sleep great for eighteen years as far as I see it, so why worry about this now?

The fact is this- I fall asleep next to cute, I wake up next to cute, and I spend my days surrounded by cute.  The worry about bad habits is not on my radar today. 

I Want

My middle child, Mister, is the quiet type. Literally, he doesn't speak much. His speech therapist and I agree it's a a mechanical issue. It's as if his mouth doesn't know how to make the correct shapes for sound production. He has had a speech therapist for one month and thus far it's going well. He follows her directions, he responds to her cues, and he is willing to transfer the tools he learns with her to his life with me.

Yesterday during his lesson I was listening from the kitchen and I heard him put two words together for the first time. He said, "I want". As he speaks normally in single words and single sounds, it was awesome for me, after only four visits with the therapist, to hear his little voice. But I wondered why is "I want" where we start? Oddly it would be helpful for him to be able to indicate to me what he wants: to eat, to do, to see, to show me, to play, to read, to watch. As a kid in a stay at home mother's house, most of his time can be filled with what he wants. There are a few things we have to do. We have to arrive in a timely fashion to The Y and to drop and pick up his sister from school.  Thankfully, he is a go with the flow kind of kid. I think though, as he learns how to communicate what he wants he will be more at liberty to tell me what he does NOT want, as well. Funny how those two little words weigh so much.

"I want" sets the stage for inescapable elements of being human. What do you want to be when you grow up? Where do you want to go to college? Who do you want to marry? How many children do you want to have? Where do you want to vacation? How do you want to spend your life? Where do you want to retire? What do you WANT TO DO? To drive? To own? From the smallest parts of our life to our largest desires - "I want" is where it all starts. To hear my little boy's voice utter the simplest of words with the most amazing possibilities stopped me in my kitchen, mid dish washing, and it gave me pause. How has my own sequence of "I want" panned out? How will his?